What do you want to be when you grow up? As a young child I always answered with enthusiasm, “A babysitter, a Dairy Queen worker and a pooper scooper!” I thought I was hilarious. As I got older my answer was a missionary and mom. My husband asked me the adult version of this classic question, “What is your dream job?” And I burst into tears.
This past year I have been doing childcare in my home and loved it. However, childcare does not pay much. I loved the kids so it was worth it. A few weeks ago, one of the dads decided that they wanted to be a stay at home daddy. I’m excited for the family but that was a third of my income. The next week another kid got accepted to a learning center that she had been on a list for. I push for the kids I work with to get into more of a school setting with more kids so I was very happy for them. Of course, that meant more of my income. I had a decision to make, continue with childcare or find another job.
I prayed about the choices in front of me and discussed with my husband pros and cons. I had been turned down for a job from the elementary school when I realized that I usually get what I want. Things don’t necessarily come easy for me but I am really good at interviews and all of the jobs I have applied for I have been qualified for. I was crushed and confused. My husband thought it was hilarious. Not the fact that I didn’t get the job but the fact that God is testing me. He said that he thinks God is humbling me and growing me. That is when he asked what my dream job is, the job that will make me happy and feel satisfied. The question that hurt my soul and caused tears to flow from my eyes.
I have wanted to be a children’s missionary since I was eight. As a partner with my husband, he has to be called too if that is something we are going to give our lives to. I believe one day God will open the doors to the mission field, whether it be overseas or in the USA, whether it be in four years or 40, I know He will use me. Right now though, I want to be a mom.
I am so sick of people asking me when we are going to have kids. There have been many tears over a negative test. I want to wake up at a ridiculous hour to pray over my family and get ready for the day before anyone gets up, teach patterns with legos, teach manners in imaginative play, go over colors while on a hike, teach a love for books and the library, teach math while preparing dinner and go on adventures when my husband has a day off. I want to be a stay at home mommy. I don’t have kids. And our finances won’t allow that quite yet. I just need a job to pay the bills. I started thinking more about my husband’s question though.
Children won’t be in my house all the time even if I am a mom, so what do I want to do? In the dead of night don’t we all let our imaginations run wild and think about life if we did “such and such?” I always think about writing. I have so many kid’s stories running through my head. I don’t just think about the stories though. I think about how they will impact kids. How will this particular story encourage, teach or comfort a child going through this situation? If I write, I may fail.
I do not like failure. I like succeeding. I like winning. I am competitive. If I write I also have to face things head on. I have a lot of partial writings that I stopped because they were too personal and I had to think too much. When I write sometimes words just flow on to paper and when I read it I am shocked that I expressed myself about things that I thought buried long ago. I won’t die if I fail. I won’t die if I face the hidden secrets and thoughts in my soul. I will become stronger. I will grow spiritually, mentally and as a writer. Those are good things. I guess I don’t have any good excuses.
I have to get a “real” job to pay off debt to hopefully be a stay at home mama but I am going to write. My Charming said something the other day that has changed my perspective on everything in life. I don’t remember why it came up but he said, “Your writing might save a life. You may never know they read it because there will be no likes or shares but it may save their life.” (My man is incredible y’all!) I believe that God gives us all gifts and abilities and that we should do everything to the best of our ability and with all our strength. I am going to write.
If you stay up night thinking and dreaming of what you want to do with your life, do it. You may not be able to make a career out of it right away but if it makes you happy, pursue it! Don’t wake up one morning and regret that you didn’t try the one thing you have dreamed of for so long.